Indescribable

Rain, then sun, rain, then sun...that is what it is doing this evening in Fishers! I am sure there is a rainbow somewhere as I type. The sun is blazing as the drops come down. My heart is so full right now. I say, "I am blessed," a lot, but truly I am blessed. Marc and I went to church and then out on a date today; Ethan, Aaron and I have been having an amazing spring; I had the opportunity to help plan and attend an incredible women's retreat last weekend; and God is revealing his forgiveness and love to me through my counseling and in so many ways!

I can not tell you the last time Marc and I got to go on a date. My mom was kind enough to come spend some time with the boys and allow us to go to church, have lunch, visit a nursery, and see a movie. We had a great time...talked, laughed, and got to be Amanda and Marc together outside of our parenting roles. It is often easy to forget what your spouse was like pre-child. Do not get me wrong, it would be impossible to imagine not falling even more in love with your spouse by seeing his/her love for your children, but that love is different than the love when you first met. It is not always the kind of love that makes you feel romantic or sexy.

In keeping with my plan to make the most of each day, to cherish my time with Ethan and Aaron, and embrace this spring in our lives both literally and figuratively, we have been continuing to visit parks, the zoo, volunteer at the nursing home, and do lots of playing outside. It makes me so happy to be with Ethan and Aaron. I could not be more happy with this place in my life. Life is not perfect and honestly I have been working through some really tough stuff, but I have two happy, healthy sons and a husband who loves me.

My heart is so full! For over the last year (at least) Marc and I have been in counseling. At the request of our counselor, for varying reasons, she asked that I start coming to counseling on my own. It has been eye opening and empowering. It is amazing how God uses others to work in our lives. I feel like I am finding my voice again, doing things I am passionate about, and working on being a better version of me. Slowly I am pushing out the guilt, fear, anger, and insecurity.

The Women's Retreat (now two weeks ago do to just now getting back to completing this post), was also something that took up a large part of the last year. I happily and eagerly took on the role of working out the details of the schedule, the speakers, activities, etc. With that I organized a team to help me do so. When I took on the task, I had every hope of the women who attended being impacted and moved by God in the way that I was two years ago, just after the boys were born. Little did I know the huge impact the retreat would have on me or how God would use it to reveal himself. It was a fun, amazing, and little harried time that did allow for so many women to be touched. Somewhere in the journey I lost sight of the fact I was a conduit instead of the means to allowing God to do is work. Thankfully he was patient with me and loved me and allowed me to see that in time. He also brought my battle with insecurity to the forefront and allowed me to see just how tired I am of living with that burden. A friend of mine and neighbor shared a testimony for the retreat, something she said really struck a drum for me. She said that not until within the recent years did she truly start to understand the amazing unconditional love God has for her even though she was a Christian and had accepted Christ and be a Christian for most of her life. Which along with Louie Giglio's Indescribable series (which I was seeing for a second time) and so many other things got me to thinking and starting to understand God really loves me. Me...Amanda, Amanda Lorene formerly Smith, now Dittmer. Not Amanda as professional, not Amanda as mom, not Amanda as a missionary, just Amanda, whatever I may or may not be. The season of my life or my actions do not change that. Wow, that truly is indescribable and beyond amazing!

So, my heart is changing. I am dealing with my anger. Very slowly I am navigating how to let go of my insecurities. Although I haven't got this marriage thing figured out in the least, my prayer is that I can figure out how to show Marc some of this unconditional love God is showing me. My prayer is that I can figure out how to raise my children in least damaging way that I can and teach them of Jesus' love for them. Remarkably, and this is a whole other post, I am planning to be baptized (again?!?). I still want to talk it over with my pastor and discuss it further, but as crazy as it even sounded to me when I first felt God calling me to do it, I know that is what I am supposed to do.

As Mother's Day approaches, I am so grateful for the gift of motherhood, for the opportunity that my husband provides for me to stay at home, for the stress, the joy, the laughter, and tears it brings. I am so excited to go love on some of God's wonderful children that are orphans in Africa this fall. If it be God's will and Marc's heart is changed some day maybe I will be blessed with the gift of motherhood again, whether it be by natural means or the amazing gift of adoption. I think our family could be blessed in so many ways by another amazing child. Sometimes we think that we are doing such an amazing and wondrous thing and really that thing is what saves and does amazing and wondrous things in our lives!